Persian Taaroff

In everyday life, taarof typically revolves around the act of refusing something – such as an offer of hospitality or a gift. For example, a host may invite a guest to have something to eat. The guest who observes taarof will immediately decline, even if they are hungry and would prefer to accept the invitation. Through this act of refusal, the guest voluntarily humbles themselves in the eyes of the host, while signaling their gratitude for the consideration. In their turn, the host will repeat the offer, indicating their own humble desire to please the guest. Eventually, the guest will demur, and the protocols of taarof will be fulfilled.

This demonstration of self-denial can even occur when someone owes money for goods or services. In some instances, a shopkeeper may decline to accept payment for an item of merchandise, as a way of expressing generosity or respect to a customer. For their part, the customer responds by insisting that the shop owner take their money, thereby extending them the same courtesy. Some variation of this exchange often repeats itself several times before the shopkeeper finally accepts payment.

The forms of politeness imposed by taarof can also deescalate potential tensions that might arise from social missteps. For example, a person can practice taarof as a way of countering a rude remark or inconsiderate act. By responding to an affront with excessive deference and politeness, the person alerts the offender to their faux pas, thereby providing them with an opportunity to rectify their behavior. This persistent commitment to the code of taarof in the face of a perceived slight can help avoid confrontations and maintain a shared sense of goodwill.

Although taarof can prove difficult to navigate for someone unfamiliar with the custom, it remains a cherished tradition within Iranian society. While younger Iranians sometimes scoff at the complexity and opaqueness of the etiquette, they continue to adhere to its rituals – both out of respect for their elders, and to indicate their own commitment to values of reciprocity and mutual esteem. Founded on the basic acknowledgement of other people’s dignity, taarof continues to provide a universal framework for civil discourse in Iran, while cultivating a spirit of generosity that transcends social status.

Contributor: Stephen Meyer